The Decision

Bruce and I took the tiny elevator up to the third floor of the Doctor's Building. With a little appointment card serving as our guide we located the Breast Health Clinic door. We entered into a little living room with quilts on the walls and pleasant music playing. Bright and cheerful artwork depicting hope was scattered about. We were immediately greeted by a happy secretary who had been expecting us!

Wow! They were expecting ME!

"Do you need my insurance information?", Was my automatic inquiry.

"No. It will be just a minute. I will let the doctor know your here! Won't you have a seat?"

The Doctor was waiting for ME?!?! Really! Pinch me - I must be in Wonderland!

Bruce and I took a seat on the couch (Yep, I said couch) and I picked up a catalog with pictures of pretty women modeling perfectly coiffed wigs and head scarves. Within 2 minutes the door opened and we were welcomed back to visit the doctor.

Both Bruce and I had an immediate connection with this surgeon. He was genuine, unhurried and gained our trust with his quiet demeanor and sense of humor ( in other words he laughed at my jokes)

We viewed pictures of the mammogram, to which he compared with the two year old mammogram. We were amazed that nothing was visible. He then showed us the ultrasound image and pointed out the uninvited mass. It appeared slightly oval shaped. He pulled out a medical tumor model to show us approximately what size they estimated the tumor to be. We had discovered it early and that was a positive. However, until we got it out and tested it, we didn't know for sure what kind of cancer we were dealing with.

The surgeon did a quick exam to find the tumor and then we discussed the surgical options. I was impressed that the doctor did not try and persuade me what option I should take. He simply put the information out there, left Bruce and I for a short time to discuss what we had just heard and then he returned. I had already decided before I came - I wanted a mastectomy.

The Dr and his nurse returned to our room and asked if we had any questions. I announced,

"I want a mastectomy and the sooner the better!"

I then blurted out,

"Could you remove the other breast too? I can't imagine wearing a 12 pound prothesis"

We all laughed and he told me that even though a bilateral mastectomy to some may seem radical, given my history and my "youth" ( Yep, he said that too! ) it was a prudent choice.

He and his nurse then confided that they hoped that would be one of my questions.

"If it were my wife in your situation, I would encourage her to go that route."

My decision was a good choice for "me".

Later, when all the results came in and genetic factors were calculated ( yep, they've got a calculator for that ) I would have undoubtedly been facing cancer again within 7-10 years.

Many friends and family could not understand why "their" friend or loved one only got a lumpectomy, or they only took radiation, etc, etc...They felt I should get more opinions. As much as I appreciated their concerns there are a couple of things the general public needs to understand about cancer:

#1 There are MANY different kinds of cancer. "Their" friends may not have had an aggressive cancer, they may have had a smaller tumor, they may not have had a significant history of cancer, they may have been younger or older....so many factors are behind what a person and their health care provider consider that it is impossible to find a one-size-fits all approach to addressing breast cancer.

#2 I honestly had no warm fuzzy attachment to my breast (I know many women do and that is okay) I HONESTLY knew I did not want to haul along a huge prothesis everyday. I had seen my mothers scar and I knew what I was asking for. This was the right decision for "me".

We scheduled the big day before we left. Now the hard part...I had to tell my parents I had cancer.

I was their baby, albeit a 44 year old baby.

Babies are not supposed to have cancer.

After I got home, I picked up the phone and dialed the number....ring ( Yep, only 1 ring, my mother always answers on the first ring )

"Hello?"

"Hi mom, whatcha doing?"

"Oh, not much...How are you doing?" (All our phone conversations begin exactly that way)

"I'm okay. I just wanted to let you know that my lump was cancer...
(Oh,honey.... DAD, DAD, EARL... (at this point mom is talking to dad, she does that a lot too when we talk on the phone)

Now her voice is quivering.

"Mom. MOM!, it's okay. I'm okay. I'm not afraid. We found it really early. They don't think it is a problem at all. I waited to call you until we knew it was just a little thing. It will be fine."

Dad takes the phone (Dad rarely takes the phone)

"Hey Toot. Are you okay? So, I guess the doctor said it looks like cancer?"

"Yeah, but really Dad, I'm fine. Everything is fine. It is just a little lump. I'm going to have a mastectomy in two weeks. I am doing great, I'm not worried."

Just as we expected. Mom and Dad were knocking on our back door a few hours later. After we visited and they saw with their own eyes that I really was okay, they were comforted. They told me I was a brave girl. Come to think of it. I really WAS okay. God's PEACE had surrounded me from the moment I received that first phone call from Doctor Fox. I was overwhelmed with God's grace during this period.

The only time I shed tears were at night when everyone was sleeping. I would visit with God and talk out my anxiety. My anxiety was not about dying. It was always about my husband or children losing their faith and turning away from God if I should die. I was certain Bruce could not raise Jon and Rachel properly and I feared Bruce's grief would make the kids angry with GOD. My precious grandson Caiden Thomas would not remember he had a Grandma Kuenning (that really hurt).

These are the kind of thoughts women have.

Another weird thing happened during the next two weeks. I swore at night I could feel the tumor growing...I wanted this thing out of my body, NOW!!!! When the psychological sensation grew too much for me, then and only then would I wake up my sweet husband, snoring next to me.

He would hold me and I would fall asleep....and the angels surrounded me while I slept.

"For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways"

to be continued...

~Tami