The C word...

I don't often feel compelled to talk about my journey through breast cancer for a couple of reasons.

One, I survived and two, I always felt weird that people view you as a hero, throw parades on your behalf and applaud for you for simply progressing through this journey called life.

I honestly don't feel heroic or different from anyone else, however, because so many people have a fear of cancer, I decided that maybe my little story could help them understand what it is like to live with cancer.

I discovered a lump in my left breast shortly after my oldest daughter's wedding which was on January 1, 2006. Unlike most stories I've heard, I actually discovered it because I could feel a pinpoint-sized, deeply localized, sharp pain in the region.

There had been several lumps detected over the years in my then, dense breast and they had always been a result of too much caffeine consumption, being overweight and from being what one doctor referred to as "a lumpy gal". Because my mother had had breast cancer, I generally always had anything suspicious checked out eventually if they stayed around long enough.

My doctor and I took this latest lump with a grain of salt because it wasn't totally uncommon except for the pain. After going for a mammogram, I was surprised that they asked me if I could wait and have an ultrasound of the breast taken the same day.

That was a new one.

"Oh, well. While I'm here, why not."

That ultrasound saved my life.

My surgeon would later display the recent mammogram result beside one taken two years prior. There was no sign of anything abnormal based upon the mammogram. As it turned out, the ultrasound was requested for two reasons: My physician could feel a lump and because I had large breast.

The ultrasound displayed a tumor near my chest wall.

I returned to the hospital to have a biopsy taken. Not having a clue what a breast biopsy would entail, I drove myself back to the hospital a few days later. As I climbed onto the exam table in the quiet, dimly lit room, I was relaxed and curious. My personal MD and I didn't really expect it to be anything but a benign mass.

My curiosity soon turned to discomfort as the radiologist could not get a successful grab at the thing. It was so close to my chest wall he was fearful of puncturing the cavity. I had to reposition myself several times and endure many pokes accompanied by the "clicking" sound the needle made, repeatedly followed by a "sigh" from the doctor with each miss. The gentle ultrasound tech grabbed my hand and looked at my face with compassion as I grimaced while the clock ticked on. AT last two biopsied tissues were taken that the radiologist was satisfied with. I was given a bandage and instructed that the results would be sent to my doctor in approximately 1 week.

Over an hour later and somewhat sore from the ordeal, I ventured home, prepared dinner as usual and finished some laundry. Everything was business as usual. I was a bit apprehensive to hear the results because the lump was still there and still painful but I just kept busy. I had started a new college course at UNO and was busy with a full-time job and family.

A few days later I was enjoying a staff work-day. The climate was relaxed because there were no students in the building. I called my doctor's office because I knew the results were expected that day. The nurse put me on hold and got the doctor. I knew something was wrong because the nurse never gets the doctor to tell you that a biopsy is benign.

Holding my breath, I waited to hear her voice. After a minute or two, Doctor Fox came on;

"Hi, Tami. I have the results here in front of me...
the tumor does show cancer."

weird pause...

"I'm so sorry."

"Oh. Okay. Well, what do I do now?"

"I am going to put my nurse back on and she will get you scheduled to see a surgeon. If you have any other questions please call. Good Luck"

"Thanks."

I gently hung up the phone and stared at the old, dog-eared Omaha phone book resting on the counter beside the phone. "How does the paint get chipped on the wall of a staff phone booth?" I randomly thought to myself. The walls looked ugly and neglected compared to the walls in the rest of school. No one cares about what the inside of a staff phone booth looks like...

As though scripted, my right hand flew to my mouth, just like in the movies, as a melodramatic gasp for air punctuated the 4 by 4 foot, bland, theater. However, there were no cameras rolling, no crew directing this episode.

It was silent, still and empty.

Another gasp for air. My hand now clutching the sides of my face...Finally, I could exhale.

Into my hand came staccato waves of breathe, my brow furrowed deeply as my eyes welled with water. No tears would fall. Suddenly, my hand dropped away from my face.

Like a flint, I raised my chin, drew a long, deep, determined breathe and I rose to my feet. I pivoted my numb body in the tiny room, faced the door, grasped the handle and turned it.

I stepped into a different hall, into a different world. A world where cancer demanded its selfish center-stage.

I began walking. No where in particular ~ just walking because I was in a hall and I was on a break and I had cancer in my body. I just started walking...


" The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."


The Word of the Lord.

~Tami


To be continued.....